We are non-commercial, all volunteer and supported by our readers. Please help sustain the Dew by making a donation.
Night Of The Living Turkeys
You’ll be happy to know that marauding turkeys are no longer a problem in the Olde Lexington Gardens subdivision in Athens.
And thank goodness for that.
Imagine opening the front door to get the morning paper out of the flower bed next to the rosemary bush and coming face-to-face with a snarling turkey with an evil glint in his eye. Or arming yourself with a can of cranberry sauce so you can walk the kids to the bus stop, ever-mindful that a skulking Tom could leap out from behind Mr. Osgood’s tool shed.
I am not making this up. (Honestly now, how could I?) There were indeed two male turkeys and 4 females on the loose, and the males were attacking residents and keeping peace-loving citizens off their porches.
Finally, the ever-watchful government of the Great State Of Georgia came to the rescue, and not a moment too soon. The thought of a turkey finding the extra house key under the cute little gnome by the water meter is too horrible to contemplate. The Department Of Natural Resources permanently relocated the two males, and I, for one, think they got what was coming to them.
The females, deemed non-threatening by the turkey experts from the state, were sent to an undisclosed location until the fall.
But consider the repercussions of this violation of the peace and quiet guaranteed by the Constitution. For one, Thanksgiving will never be the same. The traditional feast will go through a radical makeover. Sales of the traditional bird will plummet, but consumption of pink salad and green bean casserole will soar.
It’ll be necessary to rewrite the history of the first Thanksgiving. Instead of turkey, the Native Americans will be bringing potato salad and beef bourguignon.
The residents of Olde Lexington Gardens are not without culpability in this drama of nature gone amuck. It turns out they were feeding the feral turkeys. It makes sense that the turkeys would gravitate to the subdivision, especially if they were out of their Hardee’s two-for-one coupons.
I know a little about the consequences of feeding wild animals. Rebecca and I had a house in Highlands, and residents were told in no uncertain terms that the police were serious about the speed limit, that some restaurants were overpriced, and that, under no circumstances, were we to leave our bird feeders out when we weren’t home. Why? Black bears like birdseed. They are also quite fond of garbage.
Highlands has lots of birds, lots of seed, tons of garbage and a battalion of bears sneaking around waiting for you to turn your back. I mean, why would a bear want to go back into the woods and scavenge for nuts and berries when he could have a nice half-eaten Twinkie?
If you leave food out, turkeys might be the least of your problems. What about frogs half-crazed with hunger? Or abandoned hamsters who haven’t had a decent meal in days?
The mind reels.
The solution is for neighborhoods to band together, prepare a defense plan in case of a sneak attack by crazed parakeets, and get down to cases.
Face it, fellow citizens, it’s time to talk … uh … lamb shanks.
Worthy of Comment
Also on the Dew
If George Sparks shepherded Georgia State University in its middle years, the major figure propelling the university into the future was no doubt Noah Langdale. He was president from 1957 until 1988, seeing it grow from two buildings with $1.9 million budget and 5,200 students, and offering one degree, to 22,000 students and 20 buildings, a budget of $118 million and with 50 degrees in more than 200 fields. Today GSU could soon have more than 50,000 students, as Georgia Perimeter College is to merge with GSU. Langdale was a football lineman at Alabama, and later a “burly orator” and erudite man Read on →
During the 2015-2016 Regular Session of the General Assembly, our Georgia elected-officials are expected to vote on HB 17 – “the Hidden Predator Act.” “A BILL to be entitled an Act to amend Chapter 3 of Title 9 and Article 2 of Chapter 5 of Title 49 of the Official Code of Georgia Annotated, relating to limitations of actions and child abuse and deprivation records, respectively, so as to extend the statute of limitations for actions for childhood sexual abuse; to provide for a short title; to provide for limitations of liability for certain legal entities; to change provisions relating to tolling of limit Read on →
Clearing away the receipts, letters, and documents that cover my desk I came across my own business card with a woman’s name, Pat, and phone number on the back. It brought back a lot of memories. It’s not what you think. It’s a true story that goes back a ways. I met Pat seven years ago. With no family in town, Pat, like many others, gathered with others at a neighborhood pub some evenings for conservation, a way to keep loneliness at bay. (For those who work all day only to face an evening alone, 6 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. are the l Read on →
We couldn’t put it off any longer. Last night Dede and I told Ruthie we were getting a divorce. Since we’ve enjoyed what can only be termed a highly successful marriage for 37 years, the news was unexpected. “You’re what?” “We’re getting out,” I offered, not very helpfully. “It’s time. We really don’t have any choice.” “What are you talking about? You all are perfect together.” “That’s not the point,” Dede tried to explain. “What is the point?” Ruthie cried. I put it as succinctly as I could. “Gay marriage.” “What?” “They’ve been warning us for years, darling, but we never listened. Gay marriage threatens traditional marriage. We were so doggone happy we weren’t paying attention Read on →