We are non-commercial, all volunteer and supported by our readers. Please help sustain the Dew by making a donation.
Night Of The Living Turkeys
You’ll be happy to know that marauding turkeys are no longer a problem in the Olde Lexington Gardens subdivision in Athens.
And thank goodness for that.
Imagine opening the front door to get the morning paper out of the flower bed next to the rosemary bush and coming face-to-face with a snarling turkey with an evil glint in his eye. Or arming yourself with a can of cranberry sauce so you can walk the kids to the bus stop, ever-mindful that a skulking Tom could leap out from behind Mr. Osgood’s tool shed.
I am not making this up. (Honestly now, how could I?) There were indeed two male turkeys and 4 females on the loose, and the males were attacking residents and keeping peace-loving citizens off their porches.
Finally, the ever-watchful government of the Great State Of Georgia came to the rescue, and not a moment too soon. The thought of a turkey finding the extra house key under the cute little gnome by the water meter is too horrible to contemplate. The Department Of Natural Resources permanently relocated the two males, and I, for one, think they got what was coming to them.
The females, deemed non-threatening by the turkey experts from the state, were sent to an undisclosed location until the fall.
But consider the repercussions of this violation of the peace and quiet guaranteed by the Constitution. For one, Thanksgiving will never be the same. The traditional feast will go through a radical makeover. Sales of the traditional bird will plummet, but consumption of pink salad and green bean casserole will soar.
It’ll be necessary to rewrite the history of the first Thanksgiving. Instead of turkey, the Native Americans will be bringing potato salad and beef bourguignon.
The residents of Olde Lexington Gardens are not without culpability in this drama of nature gone amuck. It turns out they were feeding the feral turkeys. It makes sense that the turkeys would gravitate to the subdivision, especially if they were out of their Hardee’s two-for-one coupons.
I know a little about the consequences of feeding wild animals. Rebecca and I had a house in Highlands, and residents were told in no uncertain terms that the police were serious about the speed limit, that some restaurants were overpriced, and that, under no circumstances, were we to leave our bird feeders out when we weren’t home. Why? Black bears like birdseed. They are also quite fond of garbage.
Highlands has lots of birds, lots of seed, tons of garbage and a battalion of bears sneaking around waiting for you to turn your back. I mean, why would a bear want to go back into the woods and scavenge for nuts and berries when he could have a nice half-eaten Twinkie?
If you leave food out, turkeys might be the least of your problems. What about frogs half-crazed with hunger? Or abandoned hamsters who haven’t had a decent meal in days?
The mind reels.
The solution is for neighborhoods to band together, prepare a defense plan in case of a sneak attack by crazed parakeets, and get down to cases.
Face it, fellow citizens, it’s time to talk … uh … lamb shanks.
Worthy of Comment
Also on the Dew
In 1979, I traveled to Beijing for a quick visit and the following year to Guangzhou, Shanghai, Beijing and Tianjin to visit potential sites for a joint venture manufacturing company with Chinese partners. Discussions were held with provincial governments and the newly established China International Trust and Investment Corporation (CITIC). CITIC had been formed in 1979 as a State owned investment vehicle by Rong Yiren under the approval of Deng Xiaoping to bypass the existing bureaucracy. Its aim was to attract foreign capital, technology and management techniques to China and encourage Chinese investment abroad. I had met Rong Yiren on Read on →
Some of my readers at Gwinnett Forum have asked if I was serious about requiring that the Georgia General Assembly meet only once in every two years. In short, you betcha! Why? Because most Georgians will tell you that nothing is safe when the Georgia Legislature meets, as members introduce all sorts of measures that negatively impacts its citizens, most bills only benefiting some local constituent. Major case in point: while the state government seeks cuts in school budgets (read as taking away bus driver’s health insurance, while raising the salary of judges), they dance around a billion dollar sales tax rebate f Read on →
In 1972 I had waited two years to receive an invitation to visit China and then four days to get a seat on the train from Hong Kong to Guangzhou. The travel time to Guangzhou, via Hong Kong, by commercial airline and train, was about twenty-six hours. In the years that followed I made many trips to China. Each time the visits became easier, there was no waiting for invitations to visit the country. In the 1980s tourism became a major source of income for China as the country opened up to the western world. It had a lot to Read on →
Once upon a time it took thirty pieces of silver to sell out a man. Now, in the electronic age, when all precious metals have been replaced by paper or electric currencies, millions of people, some not yet born, can be sold out for next to nothing. That's progress. Some people work to conserve the environment and to prevent further pollution and degradation of the organisms that make up the basic web of life. Others are content to simply exclude their fellow man. Still others promote financial interests by making some lands inaccessible, thereby increasing the market value of what's left. Read on →