Sights & Sounds, Talk

Night Of The Living Turkeys

by Mark Johnson | 4, Add your Comment | Jan 29, 2010

You’ll be happy to know that marauding turkeys are no longer a problem in the Olde Lexington Gardens subdivision in Athens.

And thank goodness for that.

Imagine opening the front door to get the morning paper out of the flower bed next to the rosemary bush and coming face-to-face with a snarling turkey with an evil glint in his eye. Or arming yourself with a can of cranberry sauce so you can walk the kids to the bus stop, ever-mindful that a skulking Tom could leap out from behind Mr. Osgood’s tool shed.

I am not making this up. (Honestly now, how could I?) There were indeed two male turkeys and 4 females on the loose, and the males were attacking residents and keeping peace-loving citizens off their porches.

Finally, the ever-watchful government of the Great State Of Georgia came to the rescue, and not a moment too soon. The thought of a turkey finding the extra house key under the cute little gnome by the water meter is too horrible to contemplate. The Department Of Natural Resources permanently relocated the two males, and I, for one, think they got what was coming to them.

The females, deemed non-threatening by the turkey experts from the state, were sent to an undisclosed location until the fall.

But consider the repercussions of this violation of the peace and quiet guaranteed by the Constitution. For one, Thanksgiving will never be the same. The traditional feast will go through a radical makeover. Sales of the traditional  bird will plummet, but consumption of pink salad and green bean casserole will soar.

It’ll be necessary to rewrite the history of the first Thanksgiving. Instead of turkey, the Native Americans will be bringing potato salad and beef bourguignon.

The residents of Olde Lexington Gardens are not without culpability in this drama of nature gone amuck. It turns out they were feeding the feral turkeys. It makes sense that the turkeys would gravitate to the subdivision, especially if they were out of their Hardee’s two-for-one coupons.

I know a little about the consequences of feeding wild animals. Rebecca and I had a house in Highlands, and residents were told in no uncertain terms that the police were serious about the speed limit, that some restaurants were overpriced, and that, under no circumstances, were we to leave our bird feeders out when we weren’t home. Why? Black bears like birdseed. They are also quite fond of garbage.

Highlands has lots of birds, lots of seed, tons of garbage and a battalion of bears sneaking around waiting for you to turn your back. I mean, why would a bear want to go back into the woods and scavenge for nuts and berries when he could have a nice half-eaten Twinkie?

If you leave food out, turkeys might be the least of your problems. What about frogs half-crazed with hunger? Or abandoned hamsters who haven’t had a decent meal in days?

The mind reels.

The solution is for neighborhoods to band together, prepare a defense plan in case of a sneak attack by crazed parakeets, and get down to cases.

Face it, fellow citizens, it’s time to talk … uh … lamb shanks.

printer friendly


Note: Users are solely responsible for opinions they post here and for the agreed-upon rules of civility. Comments do not reflect the views of LikeTheDew.com. Comments are automatically checked for inappropriate language, but readers might find some comments offensive or inaccurate. If you believe a comment violates our rules, click here to report a violation.

4 Responses to “Night Of The Living Turkeys”

  1. Frank Povah Frank Povah says:

    You’re just cynical Mark. Before long they’d have been attacking babies in their cradles and then where would our relationship with nature be?

  2. Gita M. Smith Gita says:

    Turkeys are normally averse to confrontation. If your good neighbors had the sense God gave a grapefruit they would have sent a lawyer out on the lawn. Turkeys despise lawyers and other carrion eaters. After a quick negotiation, the birds would have moved to Ellijay.

  3. Jingle Davis jingle says:

    I know, I know, I’m always on the side of the animals v. ignorant and sometimes downright dumb humans.Rule Number 1: Don’t feed wild animals; it always causes problems. The tom turkeys were indeed permanently relocated; the DNR offed them. Seems a bit unfair, considering humans created the problem. Rule Number 2: Don’t try to pat wild animals; they don’t like you. Once on the Blueridge Parkway, I saw traffic stopped because a frightened mother bear and two cubs were trapped in a hairpin turn. One woman got her husband out of the car and pushed him toward the bears in a wheelchair, obviously trying to get as close as possible to the cubs. Saner souls persuaded them to retreat before the mother bear — well, you know.

  4. C Smith says:

    jingle the thing I don’t understand is how anyone can take a stray dog into the “country” and put them out- problem solved? And yet are afraid to catch a turkey that would be at home in the country.
    One suggestion- Don’t try to catch a bear!!

Leave a Comment

What is CAPTCHA and why do I have to enter it to post a comment?

Quick answer: Look at the picture (below) that contains letters. Type those letters in the CAPTCHA Code box.

Longer explanation: Our comment system now requires a CAPTCHA test (an acronym for "Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart" for all comments (unless you have registered and are logged-in). CAPTCHA is an image of letters that is dynamically generated (click the speaker icon to hear it or the arrows to load another test that may be easier to read). The letters, because they're part of an image and not text (e.g. text that you could cut and paste), are difficult for a spambot or other computer program to read. Yet, a person has little trouble reading the letters in a captcha image and then typing them into the form. Using a captcha test on our website is a great way to ensure, for instance, that a person and not a spambot is filling out a web form (we used to get 100 or so spam comments every day which our volunteers had to wade through). Also, a captcha can make it difficult for a person to continuously resubmit form information and overwhelm our comment function. If you hate CAPTCHA, just register on LikeTheDew.com and login (registration is on the bottom left of our home page) and you won't be stopped by CAPTCHA.

You can add images to your comment by clicking here.

Mark Johnson
About the author Mark Johnson: Mark Johnson leads a dual life. He is a professional mentalist who performs mind reading, telepathy, clairvoyance and ESP demonstrations for parties, banquets, trade shows, convention events, sales meetings and more. You can learn more at www.MarkJohnsonSpeaker.com. He is also a writer. He is the author of three books: "Living The Dream," the story of the first ten years of FedEx; "Superman, Hairspray, and the Greatest Goat On Earth," a collection of mostly true stories;, and "Yes Ma'am, You're Right: The Essential Rules For Living With A Woman." His fourth book, "The Doughnut Chef, Santa Claus, and the Wonder Dog Of Marshall, Missouri" will, hopefully, be out soon. His day job is as a corporate speech writer and presentation consultant. Mark has traveled around the world twice but has never been to Burlington, Vermont. He is the only person he knows who was once a card-carrying member of the International Brotherhood of Ventriloquists. He is the father of three, and the grandfather of five. All offspring are demonstrably perfect. He lives in Smyrna with his wife Rebecca (aka The Goddess) and two dogs: Molly, an elderly and arrogant Scottish terrier; and, George, a lovable rescue dog who has the IQ of horseradish.

Last 5 posts by Mark Johnson