Talk, Views
How about that for a safety tip?
As of this month, seven women, two innocent men, and one boy have been murdered this year in the small city of Athens, Georgia. All of them have been “domestic violence” killings. You know — the kind of killing that almost always involves a man beating or bludgeoning or shooting or stabbing or setting afire a woman that he “loves.” The kind of killing that makes people shake their heads regretfully and talk authoritatively about what she should have done to prevent her own murder. Because, of course, she is responsible for her own beating, or bludgeoning or shooting or stabbing, isn’t she? She as good as did it to herself. Set herself on fire, I mean.
Didn’t she?
“She should have seen the signs. She would have known. She should have left. She could have.” She, she, she…
What about he, he, he…?
Yes, you can provide women and girls with “safety tips” and escape plans and shelters and support groups. Yes, women can take out those protective orders that so many abusers ignore. Yes, she can leave, even though the act of leaving or even preparing to leave is so often what seems to be the thumbs up sign to an abuser to go absolutely nuts. (He is more likely to kill her when she is trying to leave or end a relationship than at any other time.) Yes, they can go to couples counseling, during which the woman is likely to be pressured into taking “equal” responsibility for the abuse that he’s perpetrated.
And men can stop killing women. How about that for a safety tip?
The common thread in this is that women are expected to create their own safety. Why is that? What is so hard about challenging men to be responsible for male violence? Not just the men who are committing the abuse, but you. Yes, I’m talking to you, over there, the “good guy” standing on the sidelines with your arms folded, shaking your head ruefully. So sure that you have no responsibility to do anything.
It is that simple and it is that complicated. And there are men who really, really think about what it truly means to be nonviolent, nonabusive, about what it means to hold other men accountable for their violent behavior and about what it means to hold themselves accountable for their complicity. I know; I work with some of them. It gives me hope, but my real hope is in the possibility that there are more of them.
I am outraged, but that’s nothing new. Women have been outraged for a long time. Forty years ago, women’s outrage began to turn into a movement that sought and found ways to protect and assist women and children who were victims of male violence. That outrage has resulted in shelters, laws, and systems of services for those victims.
And women are still dying at rates that are painfully staggering. Female outrage is helping to save and rebuild lives for victims of violence. Could male outrage stop the violence from ever happening? And where is that outrage from men? Those men who say they want to love and protect, who say they are nonviolent and peaceful, who lament and shake their heads when they hear about another domestic violence death, but still stand impotently by, warm and snug in their I’m-not-violent-so-it’s-not-my-business cloak of invisibility?
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Linda says: A boy, seven women, and two “innocent” men have been killed. How odd that the adjective is applied only to the men. What an astonishing distinction. Were they not all “innocent” victims; that is, did any one of them deserve their death?
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The term was used to distinguish those male victims from the male perpetrators who murdered them. The murderers took out not only their female targets but the men they were with.
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Valerie Boyd says: This is a great commentary, Phyllis. Thanks for challenging “good” men to step up and help stop male violence against women. It’s important for men to realize how much power (and responsibility) they have to stop sexism and violence against women–just as “good” white people have a responsibility to object to racism among their peers. As MLK Jr. put it: “In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”
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Greg Loughlin says: This is awesome. So well said. “And men can stop killing women. How about that for a safety tip?” So true. Couldn’t agree more. Keep on rocking Phyllis and Men Stopping Violence!
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I want to thank you for this excellant, consciousness-raising expression of compassion and outrage, Phyllis. When I came to the end I wanted more — perhaps a few specific suggestions for the observing men who are motivated to get involved. But well, that is the work that Men Stopping Violence does.
Regarding Valerie Boyd’s comments, particularly concerning the responsibility “good” white people have to object to racism among peers, my sister Kaolin has written a book which is coming out in mid-January, called TALKING ABOUT RACE: A WORKBOOK ABOUT WHITE PEOPLE FOSTERING RACIAL EQUALITY IN THEIR LIVES, published by Crandall, Dotie & Dostie Books.
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great article! as long as we allow the double standard to thrive, for our males, we cannot have any change. as long as we allow our language to be misogynistic, we cannot expect change. as long as we do not start in nursery school teaching respect and gentleness, we cannot expect change. as long as we just excuse our boys saying they are “just being boys” we cannot expect change. until everyone is viewed as worthwhile, no matter their color or gender, religious affiliations or whom they choose to love, until the ism’s are totally eradicated, we will and cannot expect change. as a victim of battering i know firsthand how the law sees these non crimes. as long as we are seen as disposable there will not be cahnge.
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C Smith says: I would like to address Ariel’s comment and say not every man connects disposable with gender or race or any human being. Your comment is definitely covered with tears and if not when you posted them, they are now.
Phyllis how does “Men Stopping Violence” suggest how a male witness should handle a public occurrence of abuse without endangering the victim when the couple returns home? The psychology of this could be complicated. -
The first thing to say is that it is the abuser who endangers the victim. If you are to act, you cannot second guess about what he might do. He really does not need your intervention as an excuse to be abusive; if he is determined to abuse, he’ll find something.
That being said, one of the most powerful things you can do in that situation is to be a witness. It’s amazing how many people turn away, and the abuser banks on that. You might say to him, “I think what you’re doing is wrong, and I’m going to stay here until you stop.” And follow through; stay there as a witness, but don’t get into a physical altercation with the guy. (Your safety is important, too.) Make eye contact with both him and the woman. While it might not be a good idea to engage the woman in an exchange (that’s like waving a red flag to some abusers), eye contact with her communicates your support. If you can, try to get support from other bystanders as well. Take out your cell phone to signal that you’re prepared to call the police, and make the call if you think the situation warrants it.
For more about what men can do to help, check out Men Stopping Violence’s brochure, “A Conversation,” available here: http://www.menstoppingviolence.org/GetInvolved
/documents/MSVAConversation.pdf
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8 Responses to “How about that for a safety tip?”