People & Places, Talk
Life Without Fathers
There’s something about being a writer that leads people to confide in me. Think about that a moment. Why tell a writer, a person who uses life itself as raw material, your deepest secrets. But tell me they do, and sometimes their secrets break my heart.
Through my writing and classes I teach, I have come across at least ten women who confided in me just how much they hated their father. They had reason, so they say. Several told me how hard life was with an alcoholic father. Others talked about how abusive their dads were, and some just felt that their father never gave them all they expected, but maybe they expected too much.
The extent to which these women vilified their dad shocked me. One woman even changed her name legally so fervent was her hatred toward her dad. She told me she made up her mind to never speak to him again and never did. She didn’t even attend his funeral.
Another woman never missed a chance to put her dad down. No matter what you discussed, she would work the conversation around to a place where she could insult her dad. That stopped when he died. Only then did she begin to reflect on his life and consider that life had been pretty tough on him. After all, life shapes us as surely as winds shape the dunes. Only after he died did she begin to realize that he had had a hard life. And for the first time, I saw tears in her eyes when she brought her dad up. It was too late to say, “I’m sorry” or “I love you” though; the midnight train had run.
Another woman, a brunette with brilliant blue eyes, told me she had faked love for her dad her entire life. This admission shocked me, too, and I wasted no time contacting my daughters to see how they felt about me. Had they been pretending? We’re close and in touch constantly despite living four hours apart. “No,” they said, “We love you, dad.” Reassuring words for sure.
Today, none of the sad, confiding women have fathers. They’ve all passed on, leaving damaged goods behind, and who knows who’s to blame for that. I write about these unfortunate women and their fathers because I think about my dad all the time, even more so these days. It was six years ago today that he passed away, November 15.
Unlike the women who felt compelled to pour scorn on their dads, I feel just the opposite. My father, I realize more than ever, gave me a wonderful life. He and my mom sacrificed so that I could get an education and I was able to achieve my goal of making a living as a writer. I don’t live in Biltmore House but I’m not in the poor house either. Compared to many, my life is easy and most of the time quite interesting. I look back across the years with the knowledge that I was raised right and that I loved and respected my father. And I still do.
But some people hate their fathers. Hard to believe isn’t it. No one ever said life is supposed to be easy, and one way or another, life dishes out a lot of pain. There’s the pain of living with a dad you don’t care for I suppose and there’s the pain of watching a dad you love die.
When the Earth’s travels around the sun bring me to November, I can’t help but recall my dad’s final days. As Charles Dickens wrote, “it was the worst of times.” As Harry Crews wrote about his childhood, it was “like living in a nightmare, just like a nightmare.” His death was a thing we could do little about, though we tried. We tried mightily but all the love in the world could not stem the awful tide that drowned the life out of my father inch by inch, day by day, and the long nights past midnight were the worst.
The horrors of cancer make you long for a case of selective amnesia. There’s only one thing you can do. Remember the good times. Not a day passes that I don’t see my dad in the yard working, in the kitchen with mom, sitting at the table, or driving my family through the mountains. Great memories for sure.
We take comfort in the good things life gives us and among those blessings are our parents and the memories they leave us. And so I wonder how these women deal with their father’s death each time the anniversary rolls around. What do they remember? What do they think about on the day their dads passed away? Do they feel remorse? Don’t they wish they could see their father one more time? I wonder about them. I really do. And I feel for them. Their life is immeasurably poorer than mine.
There’s not a day goes by that I don’t remember my dad and the things he did for me and I would give anything to see him again. In the great heap of days that make up a year, four days jump off my calendar: my dad’s birthday, Father’s Day, November 15, and November 18, the day we laid him to rest. Bittersweet days. These days poke holes in my calendar. These days will never again be the same for my family or me.
Gregg Allman recorded a sweet song that lingers in the mind, “These Days.” Jackson Browne wrote the song and it’s about a man who’s resigned to knowing a special relationship has died, and as he reflects, he realizes he could have done more for it. “These days I seem to think a lot /About the things that I forgot to do / For you /And all the times I had the chance to.”
I would love for the women who hated their dads to hear this song, realizing that this time it’s written for them and their broken relationship. I’d like for them to let the lyrics soak in and think once more about the man who brought them into this world.
The women should remember that to err is human as they listen to the song’s sad conclusion. “Please don’t confront me with my failures/I’m aware of them.” Perhaps their dads would have discussed their failures if they’d just had a chance to talk without confrontation. Perhaps they could have settled things and come to an understanding. If only. Life’s way too short …
Life without fathers is hard enough, but a life rife with guilt and things left unsaid is worse. If you’re reading this and you still have your dad but maybe things aren’t like they ought to be, do something about it. And do it now. And if you’re a dad who has a child that’s drifted away, you need to act too. Don’t put it off. Once that midnight train runs and its lonely, mournful whistle trails off, it’s too late.
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C Smith says: Tom this is going to supprise you but I feel lucky reading your essay. My Dad had a heart attact and died the next day. I didn’t have to watch him wither away with a fatal disease or the ravages of old age. At the time, his death was very traumatic to the point of changing my personallity and I haven’t been exactly the same since. As I grow older and have lived longer than he did age wise, I hope that my life ends as quickly and as loved by family and friends as my DAD.
I have a step-daughter that wants nothing to do with her real father. He has tried to make contact but has caused scars in her early that are hard to heal. She is 40 years old and like you say time does run out. Her Mother and I have tried to let her make her own choices through the years concerning him so it”s not easy having any conversation in that direction. Their is one problem in that he wants to blam all their estrangement on her. Not all reconciliation is that easy. -
Brenda says: I read this a while back when you told me about it, but I read it again today. I’m so glad we never had any hatred in our hearts for any of our family. I miss him still, but I know he did not need to continue in the agony that he was enduring. Some people are just too stubborn and too proud to take the initiative to mend a relationship. Hopefully, your article will help – even if just one family – to mend and to have a nuturing relationship at long last.
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C Smith says:
Tom one thing I didn’t address is the students and other people that confide in you is because of who Tom Poland is and not because he happens to be a writer. I have heard interviews with John Gresham and I wouldn’t tell him about my dog’s life. You may not have asked to be a psychiatrist but be glad that you were blessed with a personality to accept people and their problems. And if you happen to find some writing material in their stories I’m sure you know how to disguise the source.
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Rebecca Korom says: I am so grateful for my Dad- every day he touches my life in a heartfelt, understanding and even funny as heck way. We have a special relationship and I value his love and respect more than anything- and he has my respect and limitless love completely! As I watch my daughter’s eyes light up when she sees her Daddy it makes my heart happy to know she will get to experience the love and happiness of a wonderful father/daughter relationship herself. There is nothing else like it in this world.
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Ann says: I don’t think the majority of people have the rose colored glasses of a perfect child/father relationship experience. Some are lucky, but most are not. And fathers don’t have to be abusive or alcoholic to not be involved in their child’s life. I easily relate to those women who hated their dads. I didn’t hate my father, but I spent my growing up years living with and being ignored by him as if I didn’t exist or was just an annoyance to be dealt with. Indifference is just as worse as other forms of abuse and that was my experience. My father died over 10 years ago after a long, lengthy illnesss. If pressed, I can remember the month, but not the date or year he died.
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My father died when I was 18. A great age for misunderstandings. He was great when I was young, and he’s great to me now, but for about 3 years in the middle I wasn’t so sure. I was embarrassed when he was proud of me; I was frustrated when he tried to rein me in; I couldn’t understand his irritability when he stopped feeling well, and I never tried.
Four days stick out to me too. His birthday, my parents’ wedding anniversary, Thanksgiving and the day he died. Thanksgiving was the last family holiday we had with him, and he was uncomfortable the whole time. He’d been in and out of the hospital for almost a year, and we got used to him always getting out. Less than a week later he didn’t. I found out at 3AM, and had to bum a ride back to Atlanta from Athens. By the time the funeral happened, I couldn’t even cry anymore. I felt guilt, I think, more than anything.
Just like many situations, you have to step back. Look at all the good things: the car rides with the windows down, singing along to Kicks 101.5, walks to the gas station for cigarettes and honeybuns, arts and crafts projects in the driveway, learning to ride a bike, grilling on the patio, even cleaning the gutters and mowing the lawn.
It’s been ten years, and I still think about him every day. I guess I just wanted to add my little version of your story to remind myself of him, even though the clock is ticking down to two more reminders very soon.
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Last 5 posts by Tom Poland
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