Life, Views

Your Life Story

by Tom Poland | 5, Add your Comment | Oct 31, 2009

What if you knew you had six months to live? It’s a question I pose to students in a course I teach, “Memoir, Your Life Story.” What might you write about your time in this world? Think about that.

9780330448826My course is offered in a community college’s evening program. Students range in age from their 30s on into their early 70s. Quite often, many older students have spent a lifetime at some job they couldn’t stand. They’re hungry to learn something new. Restless to leave some mark on the world, they seek a creative outlet. The end of the road is coming and they are on fire to make sense of their life. Writing seems to be the path to take.

And then there’s the other end of the road. I teach students at the University of South Carolina’s School of Mass Communications and Information, (an unnecessary mouthful of words. “Journalism” works so much better.)

One semester, it so happened that I was teaching my memoirs class in the evening to adults and basic media writing to college kids in the afternoon. I told the college kids that teaching students older than me was an eye-opening experience. A young man raised his hand.

“Sir,” he said, “what’s the difference between teaching us and old people?”

“You really want to know,” I said, “I’ll tell you. Older folks would kill to be sitting where you are. Many never got to go to college. All their life they’ve had jobs they didn’t like and they are dying to learn. You kids, however, come to class late. You cut class and fidget when there’s about 10 minutes to go, sending me the signal that you are ready to go. You fall asleep in class. Your class is just one hour and 15 minutes but the evening classes I teach run three hours and the students don’t want to leave when class is over. Often the night watchman runs us out. That’s the difference.”

Not one kid said a word … the classroom was quiet.

Over the years, I’ve adopted an enlightened philosophy regarding college. No one should be able to attend college until they are at least 28 years old, maybe 30 even. Going straight to college from high school you know nothing, you’ve done nothing. You’ve yet to look down the rifle barrel known as life.

Work at a job you hate. That alone will motivate you to get a true education. Go to another country. Enlist in military service. Get some perspective on what the world is really like. Experience life. Discover your true calling. Earn a degree you’ll actually use. Live a full life and maybe you’ll write a wonderful memoir someday. Maybe.

A memoir, I should point out, is a slice of life. If you view a person’s life as a pie, the whole pie would be the biography. A memoir is one slice of the pie. A specific period revealed in all its intimacy. I enjoy a meaningful, well-written memoir as much as any book of fiction. For one thing, it’s real. I use James Salter’s Burning The Days as a model in my classes. Consider, for instance, this passage from Burning The Days on the death of his daughter.

“One night in May I had a dream of intense power—my daughter had become ill. In the dream she died. I was numb with sorrow. I went into the room where she lay, her beautiful face now closed, her long hair. Suddenly I was felled by it, brought to my knees. Tears poured down my cheeks. She was dead.

“The next morning there was a boil, like a stigma, in her left nostril. By nightfall she was desperately sick. The doctor pronounced it serious, an infection. There was a vein that ran here, by the nose, he said … I was sure she was going to die.

“At one time in my journals, beneath the date I had written, Every year seems the most terrible, but that was self-pity. The most terrible thing is the death of a child, for whom you would do so much, for whom you can do nothing. I had heard of the death of children and seen them lying helpless, but it was an arrow that would never be aimed your way.

“Nina, my daughter lived, but twelve years afterwards her older sister, Allan, died tragically. I have never been able to write the story. I reach a certain point and cannot go on. The death of kings can be recited, but not of one’s child. It was an electrical accident. It happened in the shower. I found her lying naked on the floor, the water running.”

Salter went on to say the truth, that in time the least painful thing was to forget this daughter who had died, not the kind of thing most people would confess to.

A memoir, you see, is unvarnished truth. It is real, revealing, and it may cause pain to some, though it can also cause joy after many years of anguish.

One day my phone rang. A man wanted to hire me to write an account of his life. He was ill. He was on oxygen. He had turned his back on his family many years earlier. Another woman entered the picture and he and his family parted ways. Estranged, they had not had any contact for many years. It’s a story more common than you may think.

This man, repentant, wanted to write a book, the story of his life. He had a sad story to tell. I met with him, recorded his thoughts, and began writing. We touched based daily. Several chapters took form, the work went well, and then he vanished. He wouldn’t return my calls. A month went by and then another month passed. I quit calling but one day for some reason unknown to me, I dialed his number knowing no one would answer. A woman picked up the phone. “Who are you?” she demanded.

“I was helping your dad write a book, his memoir,” I said. An awkward pause set in and then the woman began to cry. Her father had died and she had read the chapters we’d written. “Thank you so much,” she said. “We love what he wrote. It means so much to us.”

Though he never finished his book, he accomplished his goal. He didn’t live to hear the words he so badly wanted to hear but his words found their mark.

So, here we are, coming full circle. A friend of mine recently wrote, “If you knew you were about to die, would you feel you had given this life all you had to give? Would you feel you had completed your life’s great purpose? Will you go to the grave with the music still inside you? We’re all put in this life for a great purpose, and yet we come with no instruction manual. We have to find our great purpose on our own.”

What is your purpose? If you wrote your life story, what would your words be and would they find a mark?

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5 Responses to “Your Life Story”

  1. Chris Wohlwend Chris Wohlwend says:

    Beautifully said. And my students — the better ones anyway — are going to be getting the memoir assignment.

  2. Beth Nelson says:

    Interesting point about college. My 20 year old daughter, 3rd year of college, has decided she should quit and try to figure out what she wants to do with her life. I’ve been trying to convince her to finish, but you bring up some good points. Maybe she should work at a job she hates and then she might discover her true calling.
    At 52 years old I am still trying to find my own great purpose. I’m reminded of what John Lennon said – something like “Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans” Maybe we should stop making plans and feel the music we have inside of us!

  3. Betz Kerley says:

    Another excellent piece. You have me thinking again…I am uncomfortable – but in a good way.

  4. C Smith says:

    Tom it is amazing how age makes “you” reflect on your life and wish there were aspects an interesting book would reviel. Thinking back there are many things I have done that not many can say they have done. I make this statement wondering how to as you put it “use a slice of your life to make a memoir”. I remember a string of many small activities like swimming in the pool at the bottom of the Cloudland Canyon waterfall before it was a state park, wadeing salt water creeks with the tide out with a net and bucket casting for shrimp, and half the distance between the two I spent the night of my high school graduation atop Stone Mountain before it was a state park. The sunrise the next mourning had a whole new meaning. There are many small parts of a man’s life that make up his life as a whole. Of course in betwen the good parts there are traumatic parts that useally envolve the loss of a life be it family or friend. How does any one pick out one “slice” as a subject to represent their life? Please accept this as genuine and not me being facetious! It seems many writers here try to find an underlying meaning to a comment.

  5. Melinda Ennis Melinda Ennis says:

    I think one of the greatest moments on film is in an otherwise mediocre movie, Woody Allen’s “Stardust Memories.” It’s a scene in which he is having a fantasy that he is dead and looking back on a moment of pure happiness—-a lazy morning reading the newspapers with the woman he loves, with Louis Armstrong’s singing “Stardust Memories” in the background.
    I agree with C. Smith’s comment the it’s the many small parts of life that create one’ s inner story. For me those times (and I can count them) when I had a feeling of perfect joy and endless hope. We can’t all cure cancer or create a great work of art. 99.9% of us will be forgotten in a few years after we leave this world. But relishing those perfect moments and loving someone and being loved are life’s great purposes.

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Tom Poland
About the author Tom Poland: A Southern writer, Tom Poland’s work has appeared in magazines throughout the South. He’s published five books and more than 500 magazine features. In 1996, Reckon magazine published his literary feature, "Deliver Me from Leviathan," on James Dickey. Excerpts were published in The World As A Lie–James Dickey, the Dickey biography by Henry Hart. The University of South Carolina Press has published three of his books, most recently, Reflections of South Carolina, now in its third printing. For six years, Tom worked as a scriptwriter and cinematographer, working primarily along the South Carolina Lowcountry and its barrier islands. While filming on a primitive barrier island one evening, fog rolled in trapping him overnight. That experience led to his novel, Forbidden Island, and the mythical Georgialina. Currently, he’s working on two nonfiction books. A Lincolnton, Georgia, native and University of Georgia graduate, he lives in Columbia, South Carolina. Read more at www.tompoland.net Favorite Quotes On Writing and Creativity: Writing is a kind of smoke, seized and put on paper. —James Salter I never wanted to be well rounded, and I do not admire well-rounded people nor their work. So far as I can see, nothing good in the world has ever been done by well-rounded people. The good work is done by people with jagged, broken edges, because those edges cut things and leave an imprint, a design. —Harry Crews

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