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Scare Tactics!

by Will Cantrell | 5, Add your Comment | Oct 28, 2009

15961Halloween is upon us. Every year it’s as if we Americans can’t wait to masquerade as some really scary person and then scare the bejesus out of anyone who happens by. This year I have narrowed my costume choices to that of a Wall Street banker, an employer armed with pink slips or one of the Real Atlanta Housewives. Yep, it’s cruel … but definitely scary.

To be honest, I am a little troubled by the notion that so many people are hell bent on being someone else. On any other day, posing as somebody else would get you arrested for identity theft. On Halloween, it’s perfectly legal. Go figure. Of course some of this pre-occupation with Halloween may be because in the ongoing recession, many folks are hiding from bill collectors and repo-men. A Halloween mask is much cheaper than plastic surgery and easier than entering the Witness Protection Program, I guess.

As wildly popular as Halloween is and as successful as it is, I am surprised that the government did not regulate it, nationalize it, or otherwise meddle in it long ago. It is obviously ripe for guv’ment picking. As such, and since it is said that a good offense is the best defense, I  offer my own plan for Halloween Reform before somebody from Congress comes in and messes it up for real:

First combine Halloween with April Fool’s …. and make it longer. Hallo-fools Week! Heck, one’s  face is already made up with greasepaint; it doesn’t easily wash off and you’ve rented the costume for a whole week.

Participation is mandatory. This includes individuals, companies, sports teams. Everybody! You get the idea. (I am particularly looking forward to the disguise of buildings.) Picture Lowe’s disguised as Home Depot or CNN “playing” Fox. Picture the American Idol Judges posing as a healthcare death panel?

Because of pre-existing conditions such as unemployment or just being broke many Americans haven’t participated in Halloween for years. If any American cannot afford a Halloween costume, then under the “public option” of the Universal Halloween Reform Act he or she will be given $100 by the government to rent or make a costume. Talk about stimulating the economy!   I’ll bet it will create a bunch of jobs — at least “phantom” ones — which is perfect for Hallo-fool’s.

My favorite part of the Universal Halloween Reform Act is National Prank Day when our citizens will play a collective practical joke on some other country. Replacing all of the wine glasses in France with dribble glasses, or TP’ing Canada are some possible ideas. Another idea which I like is to switch the names of the U.S. and Mexico on all of the maps.

A national prank will take our minds off of our troubles including the recession, the war in Afghanistan, and that Nancy Grace Show. What’s more. such a practical joke can’t help but improve our image in the rest of the world. Visualize Vladimir Putin saying, “Sheesh! Those crazy Americans are such kidders. They actually stole the Eiffel Tower from right under France’s nose. Can you believe it? Hell, nobody likes the French anyway. Ha! Ha! Ha! I wonder what those wild and crazy Americans are going to do next?”

Americans have wanted Universal Halloween Reform for a long time. It was that crazy kidder Calvin Coolidge who first proposed Halloween Reform in the 1920s as a way of getting us out of the depression. While generally in favor of the plan, it seems that Congress had a problem with Cal changing his name to “Shecky.”

In any event, the American people love a good joke. especially when is at someone’s else expense. Reform Halloween now …. before it is too late. Oh yeah, Happy Halloween. Boo!



© Copyright 2009 Will Cantrell

All Rights Reserved

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5 Responses to “Scare Tactics!”

  1. P Jordan says:
    October 29, 2009 at 11:09 am

    Will, you certainly have a way with words. I hear you loud and clear.

    Reply
  2. Ina says:
    October 29, 2009 at 11:59 am

    Real Atlanta Housewifes must be scary :)
    Great funny story Will! I hope to hear more from you here :)

    Reply
  3. El says:
    October 29, 2009 at 4:04 pm

    This story is a HOOT! Thanks for the fantasy ride, however, I’m going back and flex my fears on “The House On Haunted Hill” and “The Headless Horseman”. Good job; looking to read more of your wit.

    Reply
  4. jp says:
    October 30, 2009 at 1:36 pm

    Thanks taking my mind off my woes. A real head-trip!

    Reply
  5. EDDIE WEAVER says:
    November 9, 2009 at 6:20 pm

    Mr. Cantrell I find your writing to be entertaining. I myself have often wondered about the halloween celebration and the excitement involved with playing dress up. Keep up the good work.

    Reply

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Will Cantrell
Will Cantrell
About the author Will Cantrell: Will Cantrell (a pseudonym) is a freelance writer and humorist. A graduate of Georgia Tech and a former banker, Cantrell, he says, writes “not about life as we know it, but rather about life as how we suspect that it really is.” As an example, he suspects that his cell phone has secret legs, sprouts them when no one is looking and then uses them to crawl under the sofa or front seat of the car. "Obviously that's why I loose the damn thing so much," he says. Will bets that your cell phone has the same proclivities. The legend is that at an early age he wandered south, got lost and like most males was loathe to ask for directions. He was recently sighted somewhere close to I-285, still lost and saying that he was trying to “...write his way home.” Of course, there are a lot of people who suspect that “Cantrell ain't wrapped too tight” but hope that he keeps writing about his experiences as he finds his way back to the main highway. Will has just completed a first book entitled "The Color Fuqua — a mostly true collection of modern tall tales". It is due for publication in July, 2010. He is currently involved in writing a second book, "Nouns and Other Issues". It is due for publication in February, 2011.

Last 5 posts by Will Cantrell