Have you heard the news? I’ve just been informed Bat Woman is totally gay, and is apparently a super-hot redhead! My first response? Whoa, totally Rad Duuude! What red-blooded American male (or flannel-clad girl) didn’t have a thing for Bat Woman, Cat Woman or that hot Emma Peele from The Avengers? Those shows are most likely responsible for creating the washing machine industry! And it wasn’t like the Superheroes’ sexuality was some sort of secret. I mean, c’mon, let’s be frank; it was pretty blatant, and now Bat Woman is out tearing up the “petit carpet.” How hot is that!?
I have no problem with the “gay thing.” In fact, it’s about damn time. I realize now that the two guys living across the street getting hitched did not in fact ruin my marriage like the religious nutbags said it would. According to my wife, apparently I’m the entire problem in our marriage. But it’s nice to know that at least some portion of the population is beginning to take a dose of “Lighten the F..k Up” regarding our national homophobia. So I heartily commend the comic book industry for taking a stand for civil rights when others wouldn’t. But, on the other hand, is comic book land really the place for sorting out our sexual preferences and frustrations? Doesn’t little Johnny have enough to deal with now that his seventh-grade teachers are screwing his brains out, the local priest keeps inviting him to “theological sleepovers” and his girlfriend is getting him arrested for “sexting” him every 10 minutes? Won’t his head actually explode when he sees Bat Woman “swoop down” on Poison Ivy?
Then, of course, there is the political correctness issue. How many gay comic book characters should there be? One? Three? Sixty-nine? And who has to be the boring straight SuperDude? Are there any Bi-SuperDuperHeroes out there? Should there be room for a fetish or two? (With a little work the “Flash” seems to be a natural for that.) Are we opening a Pandora’s Box (no pun intended) of frivolous equal op-porn-tunity lawsuits here? Any day now someone will sue Marvel Comics for not including a character named “PhallusMan” who grows a giant … you get the drift.
On the upside, it opens the closet door for the comics industry to expand their lineup and create a whole new gaggle of superheroes. I can envision a rip snortin’ storyline when HornDog and ThreeWay hook up with LipStickLezlie and BiBoy to “Spank some Serious Butt.” The “Punisher” is a natural for a little S&M, and don’t you think Bat Woman just simply must have a hot new enemy to wrestle with? I suggest the alluring and dangerously crafty “Connie Lingus” to wet her whistle!
But just how explicit should we get here? I guess the Man of Steel will never need Viagra. But I’m just an average schmo, do I really want to know what he is doing with “Bizarro” in the evenings? Do I want to know whether he’s a top or a bottom? Weeeel, not really. At my age, do I need to be wasting my time sorting out the moral dilemma when SuperHomoMan violates someone’s civil rights by using his x-ray powers to sneak a little peek at some guy’s junk? That being said, I would like to know if “The Incredible Hunk” uses Craigslist to hook up … just curious, that’s all.
I suppose common sense would dictate that we knew this all along. I mean, who plays dress up, wears a cape and really tight underwear that shows off your package without at least having some tendencies? So it’s a good possibility that all of the SuperHeroes may be gay and Marvel Comics is sitting on the largest stash of homo-erotica in the world. Someone needs to inform Anita Bryant of this, cuz it will really get her panties in a twist!
Is there any place left in this new open world of ours for the old sterile, whitewashed, overtly sexist, male-dominated and make-believe world of the 1950’s any more? Is my personal favorite, comic book hero and role model, the great Sgt. Rock safe from homogenization?
Sgt. Rock! Oh man, I love that man! (No, not in a weird way … you have such dirty minds!) Now he was a tough-as-nails kind of guy, a real American! He could do the impossible, shoot down a German Messerschmitt with his Tommy gun or single handily take out a battalion of krauts. He never ran out of grenades, and he lost more blood than a hemophiliac. He clenched a nasty, stubby cee-gar between his teeth, while he handed out righteous ass-whippins. The man killed Nazis by the Panzer-full! Sgt. Rock is the epitome of a man’s man? Or does a “man’s man” mean something a bit different now? Do I now have to explore Rock’s “other” side? Did he keep something hidden from me? Was there furtive groping and “male bonding” deep in the trenches of France during WWII, far from the prying eyes of homophobic America? I suspect now the new “Sgt. RockHard” will get caught giving out “dishonorable discharges” right and left. Pardon me a moment while I wipe away a tear … Please Sarge! Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell!
I am glad that in a small way America is slowly moving forward on the sexual equality front, but can at least one of my superheroes stay in the closet a little longer along with the rest of my girlie magazines?