Domestic Terrorism and the Sexual Revolution gone to Seed

0aaviagrassonOnce again a piece of information has come to my attention recently that was profoundly disturbing. According to the study in question it seems “older people are contracting higher rates of STD’s (sexually transmitted diseases) and AIDS at considerably higher rates than in the past.” The cause? Abuse by the older generation of one of America’s favorite indulgences, performance enhancing drugs. No, I’m not talking steroids… but Grandpa is doing a bit of bulking up. This time it is the dreaded EDD, Erectile Dysfunction Drugs. Now I don’t have any moral objection to older people having an alarming amount of sex, I simply don’t want to know about it.

I want to stipulate for the record that I’m no prude, born in the 50’s, a child of the 60’s and 70’s; I took right to the Sex, Drugs and Rock ’n’ Roll culture. I admit I wasn’t as concerned about “Women’s Liberation” as I should have been; it’s just that I was really more interested in a woman, (any woman) “liberating me.” I firmly believed the sexual revolution was the war worth signing up for. And though my wife freely admits to anyone within earshot that I have alarmingly low moral standards, then and now, even I have my limits… But as I say, I’m no repressed Victorian. (I do admit to being guilty of refusing to “Have the Talk” with my two boys at that uncomfortably awkward age… I simply informed them that I had never laid a hand on their mother, I had no idea where they came from and most likely they were orphans, and that was that.)

viagraWell anyway, now it seems that the sexual revolution continues and it’s Gramp’s tallywacker that has been pharmaceutically liberated. Along with his blood pressure meds and Metamucil he is ingesting some seriously socially uplifting drugs. Because of this, Grandma is probably considering taking out a restraining order on the old boy. Shouldn’t that sweet old lady be cooking pies instead of… well… you know, “giving that pie away”? Think I’m overreacting? Do you know how disturbing it will be, upon entering into the parental caretaking years and one day finding yourself going through your doddering, Alzheimer-ish, 85 year-old Dad’s wallet, searching for that one free meal coupon at Piccadilly’s and find the thing stuffed with “Black Max-Ribbed for X-tra Pleasure” condoms? HooBoy, you will begin to pine for the good old days when you could drop in anytime on Mom and Dad just to see how they’re makin’ out?… but nothing on this earth will prepare you for the sight of those two wrinkled people actually “Makin’ Out” while floundering away on the kitchen table… Jeez ‘O’ Pete, the grandkids eat on that table for chrissakes! Catching Mom and Dad wallowing around in their creased and crumpled birthday suits and practicing the Kama Sutra in the carport will leave you a changed man (or woman) forever… Once the truly unimaginable occurs it will be impossible to obliterate from your now permanently defiled coconut the image of your child’s Grandfather’s wrinkled rear slammin’ away, while Mom talks dirty to him. You, my dear friend, will be up to your eyeballs in psychiatric bills for the rest of your severely disturbed life.

Bob-DoleThe study in question states that “Old people are less likely to practice safe sex.” Can you say Ewwwwwwwww!!! Yes, I do want old people to be safe, you know like wearing seat belts and stuff, but the image of my ancient parents donning condoms, edible panties and choosing their “safe word” is simply too much to handle… Damn man, they are old, they ain’t supposed to having sex in the first place! Old people should have hard arteries, not hard ones…Sex is for young, good-looking people, whose equipment still works…

It’s simple – erectile dysfunction is nature’s way of saying “Whoa there, boy! Don’t Even Think About It!”

Another study states: “More than half of older men and a quarter of women said they had masturbated during the previous year, a figure that remained constant whether they were sexually active or not.” Ok, that’s another really horrible visual. (Unlike that crap they told you when you were a kid, seeing that will make you go blind) It’s bad enough catching little Johnny discovering himself… but now I have to worry about walking in on Mom or Dad hand tossing the salad?… I swear I cannot deal with this crap!

Go Ask Alice:
But it’s the horror of television ads that is really killing me. The most mystifying erectile dysfunction pharmaceutical plug (pun intended) for “reviving the dead” is the Cialis product… Cialis? Com’on folks they can’t be serious! “See Alice”!?… If you are lucky enough to experience an erection for more than 4 hours, well, go “See Alice” again and again, because dude, your warhead is well armed and apparently Alice is a real slut… At the very least strut over to the neighbors, whip it out and show ‘em how you can drive a 10 penny nail home with that bad boy!
And the stupidest commercial? That would have to be the grizzled old g’itar pickers sitting around and actually “singing” “Viva Viagra” to each other and romanticizing about their “Big ‘Ol Johnsons.” I gotta be up front with you, most dudes just don’t do that kind of thing. So isn’t that all hunky dory? Gramps gets hard and goes gay… so much for ageing gracefully.

ViagraSwitchHow did we come this far?… One minute America was so uptight that on TV, Lucy and Dezi, a married couple had to sleep in separate twin beds or the morals of our great nation would be torn apart. Now? Now I can’t even watch a football game with my kid cuz every five minutes there is boner commercial (in between the booze commercial, the Over Active Bladder commercial and the flatulence commercial) showing some antique degenerate making googly eyes at an exhausted Grandma, and wanting to let his newly minted trouser snake loose again. (And these two perverts, for some inexplicable reason, like to sit nude in matching discarded bathtubs perched in their back yard so all the neighbors can see… what is up with that?) I’m sorry but explaining all that to the 8 year old sitting next to you is just not something I’m going to attempt… I simply ripped the wires out of the back of the TV set and told the kids that that NBC had canceled all television shows for the next 112 years.

Another disturbing tidbit from the study: Women at all ages were less likely to be sexually active than men, and they also lacked partners … Well,GoodDamnLord! So Gramps and all his buddies are running loose with a mean case of Stiff Willies and no place to use them… ain’t that just marvelous!? People, I know lately it has been a tough couple of years, but that’s my definition of “Domestic Terrorism!” (Strom Thurmond was of this ilk, but in his defense he was Viagra-free when he perpetrated his act of “Domestic Terrorism” the irony of which the people of South Carolina and his colleagues in the Senate never seemed to fully grasp even in the wake of 911.)

You Aren’t Going To Win:
Yes, I know age comes with some decidedly unsatisfying side effects and we all want to delay the inevitable as long as possible… I readily acknowledge this, the lure of youth is strong and I know the feeling as it begins to slip from my grasp… I can’t see as well now, so I wear glasses, I can’t run as fast, so I stopped running, lord knows, I forget a lot of stuff… (but I was forgetting a lot of stuff in the 3rd grade, so I’m not too worried) and though I still have all my hair, (well, most of it) I have a friend that has elected to wear an alarmingly obvious man-made rug, more resembling a beaver pelt or a Davey Crocket coonskin cap than hair, perched upon his head for the last 20 years in a pathetic attempt to keep the women close and father time at bay.  Alas, it is a losing battle we are fighting and there comes a time to surrender to the victor like a man. Erectile dysfunction comes at an age closely associated with these and a host of equally unpleasant problems…loss of bladder control, weak stream, hot flashes, incontinence (more crap – literally – I want to know nothing about) etc. But not since some idiot invented “Olestra” and put it in potato chips which had the disarming side effect of “oily anal leakage” (amusingly stated on the side of the packaging and in their television commercials) has there been a more alarming social “upheaval.”

Better Drilling Though Chemistry: story
The social and legal ramifications of this rendezvous of pharmaceuticals and age are long and deep:

  1. For the slightly “overeager” geriatric horn dog, does “No, mean No” when you are too deaf to hear it?
  2. Can a pharmacist legally deny selling Viagra to a really old dude, simply because it’s too gross?
  3. When granddad says he’s locked and loaded…are we hunting or bird-dogging?
  4. Is it legal to sell this stuff to a Catholic priest?
  5. When your erection does “last more than four hours”…Just what is the doctor is going to do to relieve you of the offending protuberance? Is there some sort of valve I don’t know about that you can just sort of let the air out?
  6. Apparently this stuff can cause blindness (didn’t syphilis do that too?) So when gramps starts losing his eyesight, ladies, that’s a hint… you might want to keep your distance.
  7. I’m telling my kids to stick to the safe stuff like LSD and Meth.

Yes, I was all for the sexual revolution, and I suppose I still am, though at my age it’s not really a revolution, more like a poorly equipped uprising. I’m no moralist, I think bad taste and pornography is an American right, a really good dirty joke is an art form, if you’re really, really drunk hitting on your best friends wife is usually excusable… and I really do want old people to be satisfied and happy, just not around me… But how much is too much?  In this age of technological advancements and enhancements, ass-lifts, and dermabrasions, collagen injections and Pecker Picker Uppers, doesn’t it all come with a cost?… Looking like Joan Rivers and acting like Johnny Wad Holmes just has to be tad hard on you.  Just how many years does a person need to be 22?

And shouldn’t Grandpa be content sittin’ on the front porch rockin’ away instead of rockin’ away on Grandma’s back porch?

Just a thought… I could be wrong about all of this… I’ll let you know when I’m 80.

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Trevor Stone Irvin

Trevor Stone Irvin

Illustrator and Designer living in the Candler Park area...At one time I worked at the Atlanta Constitution and then for CNN at the startup...it all seemed too much like real work so I went freelance...which my father defined as "being unemployed for a real long time".