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    Andy Griffith’s Lost Episode: The Death of Helen Crump

    by | Jun 15, 2009


    D814~Andy-Griffith-Show-PostersJust a few years ago, a lost script for the Andy Griffith show was found. It was found at The Snappy Lunch in Mt. Airy, North Carolina, Andy Griffith’s hometown. Efforts to learn more about this script have proven futile. Calls to people associated with the show were never returned. Therefore, we at LikeTheDew.com have no choice but to run the script and let our readers join us in wondering what might have been.

    The Death of Helen Crump

    ACT ONE

    Sheriff Andy Taylor and Floyd the barber are sitting in the courthouse when Gomer Pyle loudly bursts through the doorway.

    Gomer:  Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Miss Crump’s dead!

    Andy: What’s that Gomer?  You’re all out of breath.

    Gomer: Miss Crump’s dead. She got run over by a school bus.

    Opie and his friend Arnold then come running into the courthouse.

    Opie:  Pa!  Pa!  Miss Crump’s dead!  She’s really dead, Pa.  Arnold and I saw it happen.

    Andy: Now, Opie, you’re all out of breath too, just like Gomer.  Arnold, can you just tell me what happened?

    Arnold: Sure, Sheriff. You know that new kid, Chester Fields, who just moved here from Winston-Salem?

    Andy: Yeah, I’ve seen him around.

    Floyd: Nice boy, Andy, and from a good family.

    Andy: I know that, Floyd.  Go on, Arnold.

    Arnold: Anyway, Chester was caught passing a note in class to Johnny Paul.

    Floyd: Another nice boy, Andy.

    Andy: Uh-huh.

    2412169899_43868cfd0dArnold: So Miss Crump gets mad and writes a note for Chester to take home to his parents.  But then the bell rings and everyone leaves the classroom.  So Miss Crump takes off after him with the note.  She runs out of the building and right in front of the school bus that’s just pulling up.  Well, the bus runs her over.  It was like in a book I read once.

    Floyd: What book was that, son?

    Andy: Never mind that now, Floyd!  Well, since I’m the Sheriff, I better go down to the school and write up a report.

    Gomer: Andy, can I ride over with you in the squad car?

    Andy: Sure, Gomer, but you don’t need to blow the siren.  There’s no hurry in getting there now.  Hey Opie… can you call Miss Peggy and give her the good news, I mean tell her what happened?

    Opie: Sure, Pa.

     

    ACT TWO

    The next day Andy walks into Reverend Tucker’s office.  The Reverend has several balled up sheets of paper strewn across the floor.

    Reverend Tucker: Andy, I just don’t understand it.  I’ve been preaching funerals for over 25 years and I’ve always been able to come up with something nice to say about the deceased.  But with Helen Crump, I can’t come up with anything good.

    Andy: Don’t worry about it, Reverend.  You’ll think of something, I’m sure.  Anyway, I wanted to invite you over for supper tonight.  Peg’s making leg of lamb, my favorite dish.

     

    ACT  THREE

    Later that evening, the viewing is taking place. Andy is with Aunt Bee.

    andy-griffith-show-season-2Aunt Bee: Well, I guess I’ll miss Helen. I don’t know why but I guess I will.

    Andy: Oh we’ll be okay, Aunt Bee. These things happen.

    Aunt Bee: Well, I’ve done my part to lift everyone’s spirits.  I’ve made two dozen jars of my pickles to give to the mourners.

    A look of pain is on Andy’s face.  He grabs his Deputy, Barney Fife, by the arm and drags him over to a corner in the viewing room.

    Andy: She beats everything, you know that?  The last two days have been so nice and now she has to ruin everything with those pickles. … Hey, Barn, I’ve got an idea. …

    Andy tells Barney his idea.

    Barney: No way, Andy.  I only go incognito in the line of duty.

    Andy: Think of the people you’ll be helping, Barney.  It is in the line of duty.

    A few minutes later, Barney, wearing a long dress and a flowery hat, walks up to the coffin, pauses and then sets a jar of pickles inside the coffin.  He walks away but returns 10 more times over the next half hour.

    Aunt Bee: Who is that frail old lady that keeps going back to the coffin?

    Andy: Oh, that’s Helen’s old teacher from high school.  You know, she was a big influence on Helen.

    Aunt Bee:  She certainly looks stern.

    Andy: Oh she’s just all tore up over Helen, Aunt Bee.

    Aunt Bee:  And where is that Deputy of yours?  He was supposed to help me with the pickles.

    Andy: Oh don’t you worry, Aunt Bee.  Barney’s got that taken care of.

     

    ACT FOUR

    The pallbearers are carrying Helen’s coffin to the burial site but they’re tired and irritable.

    Otis: Barney!  This coffin is heavy!

    Barney: Pipe down Otis!  Pipe down!

    Goober: He’s right, Barney.  It feels like we’re hauling Aunt Bee, not Miss Crump!

    Barney:  Nip it!  We put jars of Aunt Bee’s pickles in the coffin.  Now unless you would like to eat some of those kerosene cucumbers, you will nip it!

     

    ACT FIVE

    The next day Andy, Barney and Floyd are sitting outside the courthouse.

    andyscn3Barney: That was a pretty good service yesterday but I don’t think Reverend Tucker said one thing about Helen.

    Andy: No, he just told a few stories about his days at seminary.  But all in all, everyone had a good time.

    Barney: Hey Andy, wasn’t that Aunt Bee’s broach on Helen’s blouse?

    Andy: Well , yes.  The other day Aunt Bee and I had to go over to Helen’s to pick out some clothes for the viewing.  So we were going through her dresser drawers and then we found Aunt Bee’s broach. Aunt Bee had suspected that Helen had stolen it from her on that Ladies Auxilary trip to Charlotte.  But Aunt Bee decided Helen could just have it.

    Barney: That was nice of her.

    Floyd: I saw Peg with you during the service, Andy.

    Andy: Yeah, she had a pretty good time.

    Floyd: Well, it always makes a nice impression when you bring such an attractive date to your girlfriend’s funeral.

    Andy: Yeah, boy.

    Right in front of the courthouse, a short man with a rumpled hat walks by. It’s Ernest T. Bass. He’s sobbing uncontrollably.

    Andy: Well, it looks like we have another mourner still in town.

    Barney:  That’s no mourner. That’s a nut.

    ###
    Jeff Cochran

    Jeff Cochran

    Jeff Cochran worked in advertising at The Atlanta Journal-Constitution for 27 years before accepting a buy-out in the Summer of 2008. In the seventies/early eighties, he handled advertising for Peaches Records and Tapes' Southeastern and Midwestern stores. He also wrote record reviews for The Great Speckled Bird, a ground-breaking underground newspaper based in Atlanta.

     

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    Note: Users are solely responsible for opinions they post here and for the agreed-upon rules of civility. Comments do not reflect the views of LikeTheDew.com. Comments are automatically checked for inappropriate language, but readers might find some comments offensive or inaccurate. If you believe a comment violates our rules, click here to report a violation.

    • bobby wallace

      Very Funny…..Thanks, I enjoyed that

    • bobj

      I’m thinking this is the kinda blasphemy that can get a fella sent to hell.
      bobj

    • http://www.beatlefan.com Bill King

      Jeff, only a true fan of the show could have written that!

    • http://marykayandrews.com Kathy Trocheck

      Uh, Jeff, shouldn’t Ernest have thrown some rocks at the coffin-bearers?

    • jeff beck

      I AM APPALLED THIS IS UNBELEIVABLE ANDY GRIFFITH WAS A FAMILY ORIENTED SHOW AND I AM CONVINCED THAT THIS SCRIPT NEVER EXSISTED THERE IS NO WAY THAT ANDY WOULD OF TREATED A MATTER LEIKE THIS SO CARELESS AND CAREFREE!!

      • jeff beck

        sorry jeff this script is known to exist

    • jeff beck

      I AM APPALLED THIS IS TOTALLY UNBELEIVABLE THERE IS NO WAY ANDY WOULD OF TREATED HELENS DEATH THIS LIGHTLY!!!

    • Michael Jarrett

      Ha ha! Chester Fields from Winston-Salem!

      Geeze, do I feel old today..:)

    • Jack Black

      i cant believe that you would make up this script Andy Griffith would never put on T.V. somthing as stupid as this

    • Betsy

      There is no way Andy Griffith would have accepted this script. This is the worst script the writers could ever produce for such a hit show if it actually did exist. Andy would not take it lightly nor would the other actors in the show for something so raunchy. Sorry I don’t buy it !

    • Kennethavery5376

      January 3, 2012
      Jeff,
      Man, I got to tell you, this script is hilarious. Ive read it twice. Cried with laughter. Such clarity. Simplicity. Seriously, this makes me think of the year, 1993, when three friends and I formed a community theater company, The Kudzu Playhouse, and gave performances and donated the monies to charity. We used original characters from Andy Griffith Show but with original scripts that I wrote. There is no way under the sun that I could come close to this one. I love it, Jeff.
      On a website called, HubPages.com I published a story such as this, but it was with The Waltons. The name of the script: “The Waltons: Lost Episode--Where’s Our Truck, Dude? And although I tried, still not as funny as this from you.
      Sincerely,
      A FAN
      Kenneth Avery
      Hamilton, AL.
      email: kennethavery5376@yahoo.com

      • Eata Mea

        its mediocre at best…………just being honest

    • britman

      The ‘script’ opens with Gomer (who left the show in 64 for USMC).
      ‘Helen’ died in 95. You’re a ‘funny’ man but you can’t fool everyone. Find something more constructive to do with your time.

    • Live4Sundays

      OMG, I simply cant believe just how dumb a few really are…lol. This was meant to be funny, and OBVIOUSLY would never have been on! Trying to picture it happening as I read it…ha. My God ppl…get a clue! Well done…

    • Andy Griffith Fan 78

      thats why that script was NEVER aired cause Andy may have threw it out and some noisy body found it and now having their fun with a script Andy himself thought was thoughtless,careless,heartless. Andy cared too much about people to air a script like that on his show.

      • lea

        it never ceases to AMAZE me how fans think they KNOW the actors PERSONALLY? LOL who KNOWS how Andy Griffin, the person NOT the ACTOR, true feelings abt anything?

    • DianeSmile

      Loved it!! I always thought Peggy was the best girlfriend for Andy. Cannot believe anyone thought this was actually a “lost script”. Get a clue!

    • Joby Budnack

      Totally fake! Gomer had already left the show early on and Goober was his replacement.

    • whitneymuse

      Coverup: Barney’s affair with Helen is now uncovered.

    • John Doe

      What a mean spirited fake script.

    • BenPumpiner

      Total BullCrap. Helen didn’t join the show until well after Gomer left to join the Marines…and in fact had his own hit “Gomer Pyle USMC”. Obviously Jeff Cochran is just a lying, attention seeking moron. Or, the worst journalist in the world when he couldn’t even check out a simple time line of the show…what a douche.

    • Hodie Snitch

      BenPumpiner, what you don’t know about “The Andy Griffith Show” could fill several books. And has. Maybe YOU should check out the timeline of the show.

  • Worthy of Comment



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